Tired...

Wow, it has been a long time since I wrote what was going on in my life and in my head. So why the desire to write now? Well to be honest, my life has been pretty great this past year. I committed to a relationship with a wonderful man, who loves me and my children, and I love him and his children as well. There is no doubt in my mind that I would not be as close to graduating now as I am without his loving support and encouragement. In fact life overall is going so great, If I would just focus on getting my senior project done, I would be graduating in a week and a half. However this crappy thing called depression has decided to consume all my thoughts and energy. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep, I don't want to even attempt to start on any of the work I need to do. Then I was called in to teach because of an emergency, one that has really just messed up my thoughts even more. I also woke up to a dream about my deceased husband, which brings a flood of confusing emotions to my head. I am so tired of money and the fact that I can't cover everything I am supposed to as a parent. I feel like I am not there enough for my kids, and know they think that way as well. I think the thing that is bothering me the most is the awful thoughts that are flooding my brain, I think maybe I'll just get in an accident on my way to work and die, or maybe I can find out the right combination of medicine to take to forget to wake up, or other ways to just slip out of this life. But I know the hell that will cause for my loved ones, and the fact that overall my life is not going bad... I've just hit a tough patch I need to get through, even though I don't want to. How do I look at my loved ones when I feel this way? I have so much guilt about even thinking it. I think I need to be better at writing my thoughts, that always did help before, I just hate admitting how I am really feeling.