A year of weddings

Today marks what would have been my twenty-third anniversary to Kris. It is the first of my anniversaries since he has been gone that I am married to another man. The vast array of emotions I have felt this past year are in strong competition with those of the year we lost him. There has been sadness, joy, gratitude, guilt, and many more I am sure I am missing. On this day years ago I had my dream wedding to my dream man, albeit we were much younger than ideal. I can remember being so incredibly ecstatic, giddy with laughter, graciously thanking everyone for coming, being the social person I am. Looking back at pictures, they don't do the beauty of that day justice. It was a perfect day. The start of a far from perfect marriage, or so I thought. When we are young we have these ideals of a blissful never fighting marriage that continue after the happily ever after of the wedding. I am so grateful for all I learned in that less than perfect marriage. I am grateful I learned how to argue, how to defend my views, how to compromise with others, how to work for what we wanted. The part I regret most on this anniversary each year is that we were just getting good at marriage! We got through tough times, we learned how to communicate, we had made it past the tough part and we're getting to the happily ever after. I'm so grateful for the memories of celebrating our anniversary together. They were all unique, and important as we came together. I'm especially grateful for our last one where we just enjoyed being together.

Part of the emotions this year were deciding whether or not to marry Mike. There were money concerns, and some family concerns, but the biggest concern was my own. Becoming married again after being a widow. While it doesn't negate the fact that I lost Kris, it is different because my widow badge won't be so obvious. I'm actually grateful for this fact, you see when I was first widowed I didn't want that identity to define me. But then actually shedding that layer of myself to be less obvious was harder than I expected. But I can honestly say that day August second was just as perfect as my first wedding. My future in front of, and ready to embrace, more prepared than before. I am so grateful for my marriage to Kris for how it prepared me for my marriage to Mike. I feel like this time I have learned to better communicate, to express my desires before any disagreements, to be more forgiving and compassionate.

I got to watch my daughter walk down the aisle to be given away by a man who isn't her father by blood, but is in every other sense of the word. While I missed him so much that day, I am so blessed that a found a man willing to try to fill those big shoes. And on this day, my anniversary, I get to see one of my dear friends daughter marry her man. I love that we can share this date because Kris loved their family as well, and know he will be there, just like he was for Tayler. It is hard missing someone so much, and being so happy at the same time. And I am grateful for all these weddings to try to understand the contradicting emotions involved in this stage of grief.