I've changed. I am a different person than I used to be. I understand everyone changes, but I have been changed by death, the grief from it, the loneliness from it, the strength from it, and the love from it.
I changed what was important to me. What I wanted to do, to become, to focus on. I changed what I did for fun and as a hobby. I miss that part of me, that creative me that would sew clothes or pillows for my kids, that would carefully scrapbook all their pictures. That would create decorations for the holidays to add to my house. I miss learning about myself through writing, and I struggle to find the time needed to focus on it again. But I also like what I have become, a teacher who plans and creates meaningful lessons, who tries to improve in her teaching regularly and who likes to share what she has learned with others.
I learned a great deal from my first marriage that I have tried to apply to my second. I try to communicate better, I try to manage my finances more cooperatively. I try to spend time with him and learn about things he enjoys. I try to do my share around the house, and not complain about what I wish would get done. I hope he knows how much I appreciate him.
This week as I try to focus on organizing my house and sorting through boxes that have managed to make the moves with us a few times, I am reminded of my past strengths and weaknesses. I am looking back and see parts of myself I had forgotten, and I realize how much I miss them. I see parts of myself I am embarrassed by, and am glad to have moved on from.
I realize I am not my perfect self, or anywhere near that. But a work in progress. I am glad at how far I have come, and see what I need to remember. I love that I am more spontaneous and try not to take everything too seriously. I wish I was more organized and had my shit together like I used to be. Maybe one day I will figure out how to balance both the old me and the new.
