Last week was different. The world was told to stop what was normal, to social distance ourselves. For me it started Friday the 13th (odd coincidence), I went to the studio I teach at to prepare for a rehearsal scheduled. Before I left the governor ordered public schools to close for 2 weeks. I went to talk with my boss who is also a director of the company I choreograph for. They decided to follow the public schools and close for 2 weeks.
Oddly enough, I was relieved at first because I thought I could better prepare. But then the reality hit me with not teaching dance for the next 2 weeks. Dance is my happy place, what I am an expert at, where I thrive. Not having that to reground me for 2 weeks would not be good for my mental health. Sure I had the occasional much needed break from all work like in the summer, but even then I start to go stir crazy. But I also have plans for how to use that time in place in advance then. But now, no dance will also affect my income.
I got through the first few days fine because I was needed. I had to help train teachers to utilize online sources. I had to go to work, but that even changed. If we could work from home, we could work from home. I decided I would work better at school, and keep to myself in my classroom. I was doing ok.
Then we had our spring break, the school would be closed. I awoke with every intention of going to work on things I needed to get done. But as I left my bedroom, the reality of what working from home for our house meant hit me. Every room was already occupied by family members taking classes, preparing online lessons, working their work calls for scheduling. There was not many options left for me to work in. So I did what was most logical to me, I went back to bed.
This happened for the next 3 days. Wake up with good intentions, only to return to bed. For most of the day. Emerging only to binge tv shows by the season with my husband. (Good thing we decided early in our relationship to NOT have a tv in our room or I would still be there.)
Finally, today, a week and a half after my first class was canceled, I am doing something productive in these strange times we are living through. But this feeling of isolation wasn't new to me, in fact it is oddly familiar.
It was when I was asked how I am doing I realized why it was so familiar. Grief has been glaring me in the face since the beginning of this new world. You see on Sunday of last week I lost my dear friend to breast cancer. She was my friend who courageously spoke the words I could not at my husband's funeral. A talk I listen to on tough anniversaries. And she died on my mother's birthday, 12 years since my mom has been alive to celebrate with us.
When my husband died it felt like my world had ended, and I couldn't understand how everyone else was still going on as normal.
This week the comfortable world that we knew has ended, and yet we are still trying to carry on as normally as possible.
What is it in humans that despite turmoil, and upheaval of our norm, we have the determination, the perseverance, and the diligence to continue with our normal as closely as possible. As widows we frequently use the term our "new normal" to explain life after the loss of a spouse. So while we are adjusting our lives to fit this new normal, at the core we are finding ways to stay on the path of what is normal for us. School, work, diet, exercise, social media, all of these have changed, but as minimally as possible, and some to greater extents than others for reasons beyond our control.
In the days following my husbands death I would go through the motions of our normal routine. Take kids to school, pick kids up, make dinner, take kids to dance, pick kids up, etc. That is until something broke that normal, a phone call asking for him, a memory of him, or some other trigger and we would need to pause the struggle for normal to grieve.
Today, I got up, got dressed for work, checked in on kids doing homework, made breakfast, sat to work, then saw social media and paused to research news of this pandemic. Paused to grieve not seeing my students for much longer than previously planned. And then with a heavy heart trying to adjust to this new normal- with a happy face, adjusting lesson plans, and creating this new normal- hoping it doesn't last too long, or change things permanently.
It is that numb feeling I felt following my husband's death that I am feeling all over again. Not sure what to make of what is going on. Just doing what I am told I should. Hoping it is the right thing to be doing. Wishing I had more tears, emotions, words, anything besides that numb feeling. And hoping that the feeling returns along with the normal.
