My Worst

We all know our own flaws, we are good at picking them out and identifying them. It is why we struggle to accept ourselves, so why would anyone else accept us because of them?

I have several, one of which is I hate admitting I need help, ever. I have really gotten better at this, but I still struggle, if it is something I know I can't do on my own, I can ask, begrudgingly, but I ask. But if it is something that I should have my stuff together enough to do it on my own, I hate it. I feel weak, or pathetic, and that brings out the "pity for you" faces that I have seen enough of in my lifetime. Why is it so tough to just speak up and say "Help I am struggling?" I have typed that phrase and deleted it so many times in the last 24 hours, and still have not sent the damn text.

I have heard so often how strong I am, and how people look up to me and I am an inspiration. I feel like if I am not that person I am letting someone down. I am doing what anyone who was thrown into the same position would do. The best I can. There are others who are single parents, who have dealt with loss, who have put themselves through school, why do I have to be that poster child? I think part of it is the fact that I like attention, I always have. But I am afraid if they look to closely they will see the truth and be so disappointed in me. Disappointed by my parenting skills, by my poor grades in school, by my total lack of household skills, (like cooking and cleaning), or by my personal life. You see the fact that I actually write my journal online and in a public place shows my love for recognition... but I don't promote it or advertise it because I am ashamed.

I stink at money. Well let me rephrase that. I do know how to budget and be good, and make it stretch to cover all that I need it to cover. However it is these summer months that there is no way I can stretch it to cover everything I need it to cover, so I figure screw it and don't cover anything, and then get depressed as it starts stacking up, all the things I need to pay. So then when I am back in school and work, my money has to play catch up and I have nothing left for fun or the holidays. I really hate money and wish I were better at making it work for me.

Why can't I express myself in person? this is probably my biggest flaw. It was with my family, and with Kris. And now that I am attempting a new relationship, I am scared it is happening again. I don't know what or how to say what I am feeling. I never have. It is easier to try to string words together on the screen or on paper and hope they are coherent enough to get my point across. But that is not healthy for a relationship. It was the biggest fight between Kris and I everytime. When I agreed to try this new relationship, I thought to myself I could do this, and talk and make it work. Then I felt guilty for being willing to try with him, but never my husband. Then we talked and were on the same page, and that made a huge difference. I could do this because we are talking and on the same page.

But we're not.

I took a chance and told him (through text, cause I'm a wuss) that I am having a really tough day. This wonderful man invites me over to talk. At first I think this will be perfect, we are still on the same page, he is walking me through this. But as the time got closer, panic kept setting in. I am finding excuses to not go. I am coming up with reasons that would scare him away (true ones, I never want to lie) so that he leaves and I don't hurt him.

Am I so ashamed of myself and who I am that I can't accept the fact that others might actually like me? Others might actually look past my flaws to get to know me? Why am I so focused on my flaws that the idea of positive traits that out shine my flaws is so foreign to me? Perhaps I need to spend a day listing my positive traits, so I can see they outshine my flaws.

For now I am going to go clean myself up, send the much needed text, look over things I need to accomplish tomorrow and make a plan to do them. I am going to go to this amazing man's house and talk to him, as best I can. Put it all out there, without the agenda of pushing him away. If he sees it all out there and decides for himself it is too much, I can respect that. But if I behave in such a way to force something positive out of my life, then I deserve to suffer alone.

Whirlwind

That is what this life is. Once you find yourself in that false sense of security and routine, and an unexpected gust comes up and throws you off balance you try to regain your center. But that is the point, life has no center. Sure we secure ourselves around family and friends, but if you examine them, we aren't always weighted perfectly centered in everyone's life. We can't be. We do our best to center ourselves in an unbalanced world. When you add kids and family and friends, work, hobbies, home, etc. you are accomplishing quite a feat.

So when I say these past two and a half weeks have been a whirlwind, that is no mere exaggeration.

I have been dating a wonderful man for a little over 4 months now (as well as several other guys here and there). But it wasn't until I took a chance and agreed to date him exclusively that I realized how truly wonderful he is. In the past couple weeks, he has seen me at my craziest time of year with work, and he supported me wholeheartedly. He has met and made a huge effort to spend time with and get to know each of my energetic kids. He has even put up with me reiterating what a huge role he is stepping into becoming serious with me. And yet he is willing to.

I am so glad I took the time to go back and write out some of the things that have been taking up residence in my head, because if I had not already been forced to acknowledge these concerns of mine, I don't know that I would have been brave enough to agree to try a relationship.

We are both in no way delusional about the issues that may still arise, as there are sure to be, but I am ready to move into a new adventure in my life, as scary as it may be.