It Will Be Different

I began dating around the second anniversary of Kris's passing. I was tired of being alone, and never getting out. I have always liked meeting new people, it is fun to me. Finding similarities, differences, learning to do and try new things because they like them. So I have met and experienced a ton of new people and things.

I keep telling myself that I am not ready for something serious. I don't want a serious relationship. I am just getting out and having fun. It's too soon. When a good friend asked me "Why?" So as I have been getting closer to someone I have been dating I ask myself why not give him a shot? Then I began to compare him to Kris. Why he is different from him, what similarities they share, and what of those may be deal breakers. Then it occurred to me.

There will never be anyone like Kris.

Since I have been dating I have known this. Since he passed, I have always known this. But it was only recently I acknowledged this and with it the limits I have placed on myself in dating. I need to be open to other men, and take chances. I think because I had to stop looking for someone to be Kris. No one will ever be him. It will always be different.

It has taken me several days to sort this out about dating. But once it happened and I realized it, I knew it applied to every aspect of my life. It will never be the same again. No matter how much I want it to, it can't be. It will be different. I have been struggling to get back into the routine I had when I was married, and had help from my spouse. But it won't be there again. My team is now me. Sometimes it includes my kids, and sometimes I must do it alone and be a parent. Either way it is different. I am learning. I am adapting. But I finally feel like I have at least accepted the fact that it will be different.