Complicated

This year for Superhero Sunday (Our version of Father's Day since Kris passed) we went to see the Pixar movie Inside Out. It was perfect! It visually interpreted the complex feeling Mike and I were trying to put into words earlier that day as we visited Kris's grave. That complex emotion that I am truly in love with two men. That feeling that I wish so dearly that Kris was still here holding me, but so grateful Mike was. So comforted that I had this wonderful man holding me up as a grieved for my late husband and father of my children. He tried to explain his thoughts to me, that he was so sad looking at the graves of my mom and my husband side by side knowing all the pain I had gone through, but so lucky to have found me and be able to support me as I am processing these losses daily.

Mike and I have been dating for well over a year. It was when I had given up on dating anyone seriously, too many dates that asked me to not talk about my husband and the fact he died because it makes them sad. Men who would quickly have us married before the second date. (example: Him: "so what are your plans after you finish school?" Me: "Honestly I think it would be fun to apply all across the country and see where it takes me, try something new!" Him: "But what if I want to marry you? You can't move then!" Me: "..." This was seriously a conversation on a first date.) I continued dating to force myself to have a social life. Then I met Mike. At first he was like all the others, an excuse to get out, a fun night, etc. But then I started turning down other offers for dates. I could feel myself light up when I would get a text from him, smiling with my whole body.

As great as this felt, I had a lot of guilt with it. Guilt I was betraying my husband. Guilt I was not able to fully commit to someone new. Guilt I was not going to be able to be as good of a mom if I was trying a new relationship. It was again another plethora of emotions I had to try to navigate, and I felt at three and a half years being a widow I was finally figuring out how to navigate this grief thing. But Mike has been patient with me, more than I could even hope for. He has put up with me leaving in the middle of a conversation to go yell at my husband's grave (it is how I cope sometimes). And when I return, just holds me, no expectations or explanations needed. He loves me kids. I have seen him hold my 13 year old when I returned from work, as he cried because he missed his dad. He knows he is not a replacement. He knows he is not my second choice. He is not even a widow, he is divorced and he still is so patient with the fact that Kris will always be a part of my life. He is my past, he is the father of my children, I am still part of his family.

We have talked about marriage. I am not ready for that. Kris still holds the title of my husband, and I am not ready to give that to someone else. I will always be his widow. It is tough because in every other way I am so ready to be with Mike. It is that emotional tie to the title of husband I am not ready to pass to another. I have moved my kids (the two that still live at home) and I with Mike and his kids (when they are with him). We are a new family, and special blended family. In our home it is important that my kids still see their father. WE have pictures of him among the pictures of us and our kids. We still have his flag on display, as well as the beautiful bronze mold of his hand. It is our (mike and I) home. But my kids need to know that I will not forget their father and the connection and love we had, and I still have for him. Mike's kids still get to see their mom regularly, so we don't need the evidence as prominent.

I have only explained the reason for us not getting married to a select few friends. Then a couple days ago I saw this post from a widow's blog that I follow. It has helped to see others get through this trial I did not ask for. I loved it and shared it. It helped put into words the thoughts I have on this. It clarified it to people that may not understand what I am going through.

Then today I read this post and followed it to the comments left by others. It has set a tone in me today of such self doubt as to my motives for moving in with Mike, and questioning the love I have for him and my husband. Something I previously had been so certain of. I know that the negative comments are fewer than those that are positive, but I hate the way they made me question what I thought I knew. Then when I was feeling the lowest I have in a long time, Mike texted me, "I love you, hottest with the mostest!" Why do I let these people who can't accept the fact that it is possible to completely love two people, despite the fact that one is physically gone. Why do those who are no longer with us need to be forgotten? I am proud of who I have become since the loss of my husband. It is someone who has grown and changed and become stronger than I thought possible. And at the same time I wish my husband was still here, could see how I have grown, could be here for his children. But he is not. And I am fortunate to have found someone that Loves me, and appreciates the love I still have for my husband. He is as happy as I am to begin a new chapter, book, life, what ever terminology you want to use, with me. Since life with me is also a new adventure for him. It is going to be complicated no matter how you look at it. Life is complicated.