Death Just Sucks

Growing up my mom always hated us using sucks to describe things. Even as a parent and teacher I have tried to encourage better wordage. But the truth is death sucks. It seriously sucks everything form you. It sucks your energy, your emotions, your desire, your life. It drains you until you are a shell of your previous self going through the motions that you are told to. This was me the first year or two of being widowed, and even to some extend the first year after losing my mom. You know you still have to function, somehow. You know there are still kids that you need to support, somehow. And by some miracle that shell you have become manages to not neglect your children, and they begin to turn out fairly well, despite the fact death sucked for them too and they were raised by the shell.

Recently life has been very good. My shell managed to break away, and this beautiful combination of the reflection of my old me, and this new stronger me has emerged. My kids are doing pretty well and becoming functioning adults, although the verdict is still out on what their contribution to society will be. I have moved in with this wonderful man who adores me and makes me feel so loved. And I love him. I love him so much in fact that all my big plans for going out and starting somewhere new have changed, to starting new with us. I love his kids, he loves mine, they get along really well, I feel really lucky.

Then two weeks ago we have faced the pending death of a loved one. WE were called to the hospital, not knowing if we were saying our good byes, or hoping to find out what was in store for his recovery. For the last two weeks we have been told he is very sick and it is a long process, we're talking weeks to months. As straight forward as it sounded, we still have felt unsure, its been a gentle roller coaster. Little bit of good news giving us hope, more bad news giving us a reality check, and so it has gone for two weeks. I have tried to be positive and hopeful, but already going through it with my mother and my husband the harsh reality that could happen has been at the back of my mind, never leaving.

This morning we got the news his nutrition is declining, and with or without a surgery his mortality is 90% likely. I ache knowing the love of my life is going through a loss again, and knowing what it feels like I hate not having the words to give adequate comfort at this time. I also feel very selfish, while not close, I have grown to genuinely love his family and the fact they have all been so welcoming of me. I am not ready to go through another loss, I don't want to see that pain in people I love, I don't want my kids to again experience another death. And yet I want to be there and be strong for Mike.

SO here is hoping I can draw on the strength I have gained through the experience my losses have taught me, and I can be there to help Mike and his family. I am hoping I can do this without giving into the dark feelings I have had when I have lost my loved ones. I am sad I will no longer be able to get to know Matt, and I am sad for his girls that will have to go through the loss of their dad. I am sad for my boyfriend and I who will be missing him at our wedding. Death sucks.